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Wednesday, 4 December 2013

I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good...

Dear friends,

!!!WARNING!!! Proceed with caution as this text may alter your opinion of me - Please forgive me!!!

Today I will choose a subject that used to be a problem for me... ok, maybe it is still, but I am doing way better now than I was years before. I will talk to you about ANGER! You know... as Yoda says "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."Well, tell you the truth I had a period in my life when I was upset on the world, on the people and even on myself for feeling the way a felt. I dunno how you lads/lasses work with anger but usually for me it bottles up until it gets to the fizzy point where it spills over and makes me act irrationally. And trust me, Alan Rickman's reaction here is like a small baby besides what I can do when I am upset!
For a long period in my life, in my childhood, I had self-esteem issues. I admit it, I am not a beauty and I do not shine and sparkle and for most of my life I felt like the ugly duckling. Fighting for my world and my way. I was not the popular girl in school, or even in class, and I was much rather like the teachers pet, but only due to the fact that I loved learning new things. I never liked kissing arses and acting stupid in order to get people to like me. I will be like I am and you will choose to love or hate me. Of course, I would rather have you love me than hate me! And of course, I would feel unloved by the end of the day, when the boys would be mean - as they usually are in kindergarten and smaller grades. By a certain point in time I would think that all things could be handled and fixed with a talk between children... time taught me otherwise! And it taught me that if you cannot handle things by talking you may need to fix them by fighting.
A good punch positioned properly (as you can see Hermione is doing the same ;) wits beyond measure sometimes do not help! And some boys needs to be taught a lesson!) can do a lot of good things ;) Just imagine... once you kick a boys arse he will look different at you ;) I always went into a fight unplanned and out of the blue, with bottled rage inside me ready to pour out. And tell you the truth, it made me feel good knowing that I was able to defend myself if needed be. It makes me both proud and ashamed to say that on 7th grade I actually broke the head of one of my schoolmates. I have no practice or training in fighting and the things I know are mainly things I caught up while watching boys fight or movies or feeling what moves would come natural. My big problem - according to my awesome fiance - is the fact that I enter fights head on and I never plan. I go with the flow and do my best to protect myself and win by strength - which usually works if people see you desperate and then coming for them ;)))) or taking them by surprise ;)
It is way better - according to my opinion - to step up and fight for your rights and for your freedom and respect than just hang around and have people pick at you, while you are trying not to panic and breathing in a paper bag in order not to pass out... I prefer to face my fears and to tell people what I think. Thant helps my anger not to lead into hate and then further on into suffering... I think I'll pass that! I admit that I have loads of fears inside me but I face them daily and try to make them smaller and smaller so my hate would not bottle up again and explode. Because there is always a downside of exploding: hurting the ones you love! Now, I know that God is there for us so we would never fear but I am still not sure how that truly works out... I always had a fear or two running at the back of my head: I feared that my sister was the best daughter my mum had, I feared that I would not become everything my parents would have liked me to be, I feared that I will remain single for the rest of my life and grow old by myself... Thankfully God makes different plans with us - plans that he chooses not to share until we are ready. And yelling to him "TELL ME!" does not help either ;)
Now I would love to tell you that I will never say things like Fred & George... that I will never fight anyone... that I will behave properly and ladylike for the rest of my life. But I would lie! We never know what will happen next so grant me the vote of confidence that everything I will do was planned before I was born!


Yours truly,
The Truthful LadyBug :)